I was listening to the radio the other day and there was a long discussion going on about spoilers. I think this particular chat had been inspired by The Traitors, but with the onslaught of streaming services and series drops available today, the problems around spoilers seem more common than ever.
A few years back I put together my guide on spoilers and how the different rules apply to various mediums, but I thought it was time they were given a much-needed update. Like everything else in the world, things have become rather more complicated in recent times; the influx of blockbusters and’must-watch’ TV has muddied the waters and the power of social media and trolls has complicated things further.
So here are the Madden’s Laws on Spoilers Version 2.0
i) General Directive: Don’t be a d*ck
Each of these rules is superceded by one found further up the list – and this one sits atop the pile. As with all things, have some simple decency with regards to other people’s thoughts and wishes. If you don’t need to share spoilers then don’t and don’t go out of your way to spoil it for people.
ii) Spoiler Watersheds
These are, in my view, the acceptable amount of time to expect people to actively refrain from spoiling something.
Film: 1 week* – give people the weekend to get to the cinema
TV show: 24 hours** – allow people a chance to catch up the next day
Streaming Series: 10 days*** – it’s a lot to take in in one go
Sporting event: Immediately – it’s literally breaking news in many cases
iii) Spoilee’s Perogative
Film’s are for people to enjoy – hence trying to avoid spoiling them. But it is up to you to manage your own enjoyment. So long as people are adhering to the General Directive, then staying away from spoliers is the duty of those who do not know and do not wish to know.
iv) The Midnight Queue Principle*
This serves as a footnote to film releases and says that for the latest release from a single-arc film series, the watershed shall be reduced to 24 hours. It works on the principle that if you really cared that much, you would have queued at midnight for the release.
v) The Soap Watershed Principle**
This is addendum to the TV show watershed: For a programme which goes out every night, like soap operas, the watershed is reduced to 12 hours. Essentially, you have until you get to work the next day.
vi) The Helen Flynn Equation***
Streaming services who drop a whole series at once are a grey area, so it is up to viewers to avoid spoilers. 10 days is a reasonable time to expect people to wait, but for a more accurate calculation, apply the Helen Flynn Equation:
Number of days to keep spoilers = Number of episodes / 1.43
vii) A Person Who Falls Behind Gets Left Behind
If you are a series or so behind – or haven’t started watching something yet, then don’t hassle people discussing things which are generally accepted by up-to-date fans. See Point v.
viii) The Spoiler vs Inference Conundrum
Mentioning a TV show online is not a spoiler. Writing something such as “Mando and Grogu – love it!!” is not a spoiler. If you can infer a spoiler from those words then you should have watched the show when it went out.
ix) Social Media
More care should be taken with throw-away comments on social media. “I can’t belive X died in her arms” may be ok in a conversation, where it is a passing comment only heard by those who are listning, but social media posts can be shared and linger. Be duly careful with your words.
x) Whinger’s Forfeit
No one likes spoilers, but no one likes a person who posts “NO SPOILERS” on every mention of a TV show online or on hearing the name of a certain film mentioned in passing. Anyone guilty of three offences shall have an moderate spoiler revealed directly to them.
xi) Respect Effort
The person who has turned off their phone and will not step outside without headphones should be respected. If they are going to that effort then give them some grace. And maybe take a photo to remind them how bonkers they looked.
xii) It’s Supposed To Be Fun
“They’re more like guidelines, than actual rules.”
Millennial get 
Leave a comment